


Stuff Your Eyes With Wonder

by starsandswords



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comfort/Angst, F/F, Minor Character Death, Non-Supernatural AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 21:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4116238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsandswords/pseuds/starsandswords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The night after your mother's funeral you spend so much time wandering around in the darkness you are able to watch the sunrise before crawling your way back home to Laura. </p>
<p>The suns early rays warm the earth and your bones, but you still feel cold and empty inside."</p>
<p>Non-Supernatural AU, Canon divergence in which Carmilla and her mom are buds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stuff Your Eyes With Wonder

Your brother William calls on Tuesday as you're attempting to finish your latest paper and all but barks, "Mom's not doing well again. Why did you let her skip her last treatment?" Before you can respond, he continues. 

"I think something is seriously wrong this time," (You hold your tongue against the sarcastic comment he knows you'd make.) "Her heartbeat was extremely elevated and Betty said she was saying all sorts of nonsensical things. I went in to check and it looked like she was in the middle of a panic attack. Her BP was raised and her breathing was irregular. No signs of cardiac arrest or complications. I'm taking her to the hospital as we speak. I trust you'll drop whatever nonsense you are up to and be there as soon as you can." 

William hangs up before you can even fully process that he's managed to insult you in the same moment as he'd delivered bad news. Betty normally calls you first in these situations as the two of you have developed a bond during these last few months. You figure Betty called William because he was closer and could take her sooner. It stings only a little and you ignore it. 

He also didn't tell you where he was taking her, but you're sure it's to his hospital which your mother hates. Just because he's a head surgeon, doesn't mean he knows what is best. You two have fought about this on many many nights and you're honestly just tired of fighting with him about every little thing. Betty says he has a point in wanting your mother to receive quality care but your also tired of begging them to just listen to what your mother has to say. 

William hates your life. He's been the biggest pain in your ass since the two of you were young children. It seems that he's only gotten stupider and more annoying with age. According to him, your decision to major in philosophy is "childish, useless and will get you nowhere". Your house is "small and rickety and you never shut the windows, Kitty that's so dangerous, the neighborhood you live in is absolutely horrible". He hates your girlfriend. "What is she, like 4' tall? And she's so quirky, how do you two even get along? What could she possible see in a person like you, Kitty?" His words stopped hurting you when you learned to not care about what he thought of your life. 

But most of all, William hates that you understood Mother better than he did. You knew that she didn't want to spend her life in hospitals, being questioned and constantly tested by William and his staff. You knew she'd rather spend her time doing the things she loved. You'd fought countless battles against William that always ended with you going home, tired and upset at every unfortunate thing that ever went wrong in the world that caused you to be related to William. 

(Laura was always more reserved with you on those nights. As if she thought you needed space to calm down and just be.) 

(Laura always knows how to take care of you.) 

~~

On the drive to the hospital, the thoughts begin. 

You keep thinking about last Thursday spent on the softball field with Mother. When you'd gone to pick her up for treatment you could see it clearly in her eyes that she was not planning to sit in a stuffy hospital room all day. You'd looked at her, she'd smiled brightly and mischievously, and you'd nodded. You took her to your old softball field and pushed her wheelchair through the grass and track just to hear her yelp every time you pushed a bit too fast. The two of you had lunch and when you dropped her back home you tried you convince her to let Betty reschedule her treatment. You told her William dearest would be upset and angry that you made her risk her health by being wreckless all day. She'd simply smiled up at you, pulled you close and whispered "Milla, “That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want.” Don't worry about your brother. He hasn't found wonder yet." 

You don't feel guilty for giving her a day that she enjoyed. 

That night you'd come home to find Laura nodding off to her Lit reading. She'd waited up for you, as she always does. You change quickly before snuggling up with her on the bed. The amount of assignments piling up is nothing new, but you promise yourself that you'll work on them soon. Laura smiles sleepily at you and mumbles something about food, but you kiss her forehead and she falls asleep tangled up in you. You'd picked her book up and read until you fell asleep feeling happier than you had in months. 

You don't feel guilty about enjoying your last day with your mother. 

~~

The hospital is a whirlwind of bright lights and noise. No matter how many ER trips you'd made, you could never get used to the way the entire atmosphere makes your skin feel raw and your body feel out of place. 

You find Mother's room and are not surprised to see William at her bedside. He's dressed in his scrubs and lab coat and he has his lackeys (interns, as they like to be called) standing around him. You think you see him smile smugly when he tells them, "Patients who are ill and unadvised about proper treatment options available to them are likely to find themselves in the ER. It's your job as interns to learn the best ways to convince patients to receive lifesaving treatments." 

The lackeys look at William with great interest and you're reminded how much you hate these people. The people that only want to shove medicine down throats and watch as pockets are emptied. 

You venture out into the hall and find your favorite ER nurse, Perry. She's always around and makes the trip less of a horrible experience for you. Perry says your mother has been admitted and they will be keeping a close eye on her. Perry lets you know that William is not your mother's doctor and that "You can still speak up. You know her better than anyone!" 

(You and Perry both know that William's name is on all of Mother's legal documents. Should you "speak up" William and his lawyers will be after you before you've even finished speaking up.) 

You wait out in the hall for a few more hours until just past 9 when visiting hours are over. Your mother is asleep so you sneak in and wish her goodnight and sweet dreams before driving home. 

When you get home, Laura is struggling to open your shared apartment door, the mail and her textbooks nearly spilling from her tiny hands. You sneak up behind her and mutter a "Easy there, Hollis" before catching her books and kicking the door open with your foot. She drops her stuff on the table and turns around to fling herself into your arms. 

(Your back aches from sitting in those awful waiting room chairs, but you lift her off the ground and tickle her waist anyway.)

She squeals, slaps your arm and asks about your mother, about William, about everything. You fill her in and carry her to the kitchen where you set her on the counter. The two of you eat and enjoy the rest of the night before she makes you wash the dishes. 

(You fall in to bed together and you're forever grateful for Laura Hollis for brightening up your life.)

(You ignore thoughts about William and hospitals and Perry saying "Get here early tomorrow!" because you don't know what she means by that and you don't want to spend more hours in that hospital. Laura talks a mile a minute about the novel she's reading for her Lit class and you listen in awe. She's so passionate and warm and you want her to always be there to talk you through your worst nights.)

You know you'll never get tired of this girl. 

~~ 

The next morning you pull into the hospital garage at around 11. Perry said early, but between Laura not having morning classes and you just being lazy, the two of you end up rolling out of bed at 10. 

William hasn't called to yell at you, so you figure everything is okay. 

Perry's face as she greats you in the hall tells you otherwise. 

~~

Your mother died alone, at 9:45pm, Tuesday night. 

(At 9:45pm on Tuesday night, you and Laura were tangled up together trading stupid jokes until your cheeks hurt from smiling and her hands had somehow found their way under your (her) tank top.) 

~~

William looks despondent when you see him talking to his lackeys about post mortem patient care. You almost feel like embracing him. He turns when he feels your eyes on him and stops talking. He has the decency to ask the interns to give him some time alone and looks to you with an emptiness you didn't expect to see in his eyes. 

"Hey Kitty, sorry you missed the show." 

"I'm not." 

As the words slip out you realize they are true. You didn't want to be around your mother as she took her last breaths. You didn't want that to be your memory of her. Instead, you have her smile imprinted in your mind from after she'd quoted Bradbury at you. 

William shifts into jerk mode and nods curtly at you. "Her paperwork has been filed. She's going to be moved soon. If you want, you can go in and say your goodbyes. I didn't want to call you in case you had early classes. I've got some work her to finish up, but all her arrangements are already in place. I'll call you later with more details." 

He begins to walk away before stopping and looking back at you. 

"Kitty, I'm so very sorry for your loss." 

His genuinely concerned eyes just barely make up for his clinical words. 

~~ 

You don't go into her hospital room. Instead you drive home and cook. You make pasta from scratch like she taught you also decide to make Laura's favorite cookies. 

Laura gets home when you know she's still supposed to be in class. She takes one look around the apartment and finds you staring out the open window, cookies still on the tray. She takes the few steps into the kitchen and takes your face in her hands and kisses your lips. 

She pulls away and rests her forehead against yours. You let out a sigh and murmur, "Hey darling, what are you doing home so early?" 

She smiles at you softly and whispers back, "I smelled your burnt cookies from the campus and came right home." 

You look up into her eyes through your bangs and laugh at her. 

(She's so good to you. She warmth and happiness and light and some days you are reminded that you do not deserve her.) 

(Today is not one of those days.) 

The soft touch of her lips force all thoughts of the day out of your mind and you kiss her back to forget for a few more hours. 

~~

The day of the funeral you miss classes again. Laura skips her class and joins you. She holds your hand as you watch your mother's body be buried and leans her head on your shoulder when it's just the two of you left. 

You hadn't said anything at the funeral. William did all the talking and you were just fine with that. 

Perry and Betty came to pay their respects but you truly only had eyes for Laura and your mother's casket. 

(Laura, in her black dress that you're pretty sure she stole from the back of your closet. Laura with her pretty, pretty face looking so young and yet so old. Laura, looking right back at you the entire time.) 

Here, where it's only you and the two people you love you say your goodbye. Kneeling beside your mother's grave you say the words she's told you countless times.

“Stuff your eyes with wonder, he said, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories.” 

Laura takes your hand and you follow her back to the car. She gets home and heads to the shower while you hang behind and eat some of the burnt cookies. When you hear the shower turn on you grab a pen and post-it from her desk and scribble out a short note. You gently lay it on her pillow and leave the apartment.

~~

The night after your mother's funeral you spend so much time wandering around in the darkness you are able to watch the sunrise before crawling your way back home to Laura. 

The suns early rays warm the earth and your bones, but you still feel cold and empty inside. 

When you finally make it home, you shed your clothing and press your body against Laura's. 

(She shivers a bit, disoriented. You notice how she'd worn your t-shirt and shorts and smile at the way the clothes looks better on her than it ever has on you.)

Laura is your warmth and as she flips over onto her back to pull you close to her chest, tangle her legs with yours, you feel that warmth seeping into your bones again. 

Your tears flow freely now, though they were unwilling to before. You think it must be because of the way you don't really feel sad or upset.

In a way, you feel free. You know your mother is free. Free from the suffering she had to endure and free from the weight of this world. 

You clutch onto Laura and her hands find the small of your back where she pulls you even closer. 

"Laura, sweetheart." You mumble out a few minutes later.  
"Yeah, Carm?" She responds instantly and you aren't surprised that she's more awake than she seemed. 

"My mother is dead." 

"She is." Laura shifts slightly as you sit up and through the morning sunlight that finds its way into your room you look at her. 

You study her face for a while as she still has her eyes closed. Laura always looks so beautiful when she's asleep. As if she's finally turned off that brain of hers and is peacefully dreaming. The way you feel right now is as if you've just figured out the meaning of everything you've ever questioned. You don't understand life, or death, but you don't care anymore. 

All that matters is this girl. This girl who waits up for you and eats your shitty burnt cookies. This girl who holds your hand and laughs at your jokes. This girl who always knows what to say to calm you down, to make you angry. This girl who understands that your Mother meant more to you than anyone else ever has. This girl that understands the weight of what you've just been through, but won't push you to talk or touch or feel anything you aren't ready to. 

(This girl that knows how to make you feel lighter than you've ever felt before. This girl that has memorized your soul in the same way you've kissed every inch of her body. This girl that keeps you up all night only to stay in bed with you all morning. This girl that brings you such happiness and joy and contentment that you see yourself by her side for as long as forever.) 

You understand now what you're mother had been telling you all along. 

When you look down at Laura, sweet, crazy, passionate Laura, you feel the wonder your mother had talked about as the two of you sat watching the softball field where you grew up skinning your knees and making friends. 

Mother had said to look for wonder in places where most wouldn't. That you'd find wonder in the way the breeze feels and smells right before it's about to rain. Wonder, in the last piece of pie on a perfect summer's day. Wonder, in the tiny wrinkled smile of a newborn baby. Wonder in the press of a kiss to tired eyelids.

Wonder, as it would seem, is right in front of you. 

(Your wonder is a 5 foot tiny ball of passion and rage. She's sunny Saturdays spent at the park people watching. She's fighting over the remote control just to see her angry, bunched up little face. She's letting you steal the yellow pillow once you promise to not spill cocoa on it. She's "stop eating all my chocolate" and "babe, you keep wearing my jeans" and "follow the damn chore wheel Carmilla and I'll let you sleep in" and "You're making me choose between Buffy or sex? Why not both!?") 

Your know you'll never ever tire of her wonder. 

She peeks up at you, as if noticing the staring, from one eye and you smile, small and shy and beautiful down at her. 

"I'm so in love with you, Laura Hollis."

She smiles big and bright and beautiful up at you. 

"Good. Go to sleep, Carmilla." 

She tugs you down onto her chest and you snuggle further into her body. 

As you close your eyes, your mind recalls everything. William, Perry, ER rooms, awful chairs and aching backs, wandering around for hours, burnt cookies and tears and home. 

You feel Laura's lips on your ears as she whispers, "I'm so so in love with you, Carmilla Karnstein." 

(You fall asleep surrounded by warmth and love and wonder.)

**Author's Note:**

> Quotes and Title from Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
